You’re spending time learning how to be a great manager, but you notice some painful flaws in your own boss. Their flaws can be difficult to put up with, especially when you know what they should be doing differently. It may even be that their behavior is hurtful to you at times (though which of us wants to admit that?).

Well, I’ll admit it. In a previous job, I was hurt by something my manager was doing, and I decided to let her know about it. I marched into her office and very directly told her how her behavior was affecting me. She got defensive and I felt like she didn’t really listen to my concern. Since then, I’ve wondered how that situation would have turned out if I had approached her with care and understanding. After all, managers are people too.

So how do you walk that line between setting your own boundaries and being empathetic toward your manager during moments of conflict? Below are a few practical tips for navigating this difficult arena.

Witness and process your feelings

We have a great framework for doing this using the acronym N.I.C.E. which incorporates Bushe’s Observation Cube. Whichever model you use, it will help you get in touch with what is really going on inside of you, and enable you to thoughtfully respond rather than emotionally react to the situation. In this way, you can avoid the mistake I made of rushing in with criticism and making the relationship worse.

Change your perspective

Imagine being in your manager’s shoes. (Of course, if you were in their shoes, you would do better, but let’s suspend that idea for the moment.) Imagine how you would want to be treated, or better yet, how would your manager, with their unique personality and perspective, want to be treated? We call this The Platinum Rule. Would your manager want to hear pointers from their direct reports? Would they want passive-aggressive emails about signing up for Two-Minute Tips? (Hint: not likely.) How would they want to be approached about an issue? What else might be going on with your manager that you have no idea about?

Talk to the right person

Discuss your concerns with your manager directly, rather than sharing with everyone except them. If you are in a calm space and ready to consider your manager’s perspective as well as your own, you may be ready to approach them about your issue. Start with a small piece of feedback in the first interaction and see how they receive it. Not only will this grow the relationship, it will also give you a sense of whether you are safe to share larger concerns. 

Get some space

Maybe it’s time for you to take a long weekend and care for yourself. Taking time away from the immediate environment can help you calm down and gain new perspective. It will engage the problem-solving part of the brain (frontal lobe), rather than the fight-or-flight part (amygdala). Set up a couple coffee dates with wise and trusted friends outside of work to discuss your frustrations. 

A last resort

If the conflict escalates, and you’ve tried talking to your boss directly, maybe it’s time to go to their boss. Again, wait till you are in a calm headspace, and focus on sharing observations rather than feelings. A good litmus test for observation is to imagine what the proverbial fly-on-the-wall would have seen. And be honest about what the fly saw from you as well.

Sharing your concerns with a manager takes courage and self-control. So does being a great manager. The higher up the chain you go, the more likely you are to encounter conflict, so practicing this skill will help you progress in your journey. 

If you’re interested in getting more practical training on how to be a great manager, look for our new, online version of The Management Essentials, coming soon! Sign up here to be the first to know when the program goes live.